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May. 20th, 2010

Body boot camp in OC this morning and I am not attending. Waking after two hours of sleep put me in a well enough mood. Lauren and Monica are not attending. Staying home is fine considering the fog... ugh and arg cause I need out of the house/riverside county.

Having a strong parental type in my life making me mofo crazy!
Honest statement ahead:I never had a mum! Even when my gma was sane she was not the loving type ugh so the "mum" pressure ... driving me more than crazy.
"So smart so much potential but, YOU SUCK @ LIFE"

Rants:
Never feeling healthy
No money
No one wants to hire me
What.... the hell...
Should a 26 old ass fuck continue attending cc?
Missing ge credits effing say so
Do u understand how lame I feel...
Effing friends already graduated cal states and unis years ago.
Grandma still not getting help
"Stop with your utilitarian shit" - ramey in ref to my suicidal crap thoughts



Hours later I am sure this entry will be deleted
Freaking 26 crying fudge fat hell lame shit

3 people in my family talk to me
About 4 friends if I want to hang will "let me" drive out to orange county to hang.
Tyler has been the only friend to come out to canyon lake since I moved here...

Ugh

That's not it
I cannot read
Sleep
Write






Lauren goes to ucsb soon...





I am glad noone reads this anymore
Just typing my feelings on my cracked droid...

ok

Sometimes I feel the weight of the world
Its so heavy that its bringing me down

i guess they will not control us?

it drags
and i think
physics
nutritional science?
does the passion to exist ... freaking exist?
teenage problems
the uniform does not fit and i dislike navy blue.
it seems like they are forcing us to feel good
i wish they could control us
too tired to think

Take The Veil Cerpin Taxt - The Mars Volta

Another coping mechanism... making up my own lyrics for a mad song!

you must been psych managstature
because you found out i was a lie
you left the shutters make psychonassisss/psychomatures
out of a pipe and now we are down
you take ehm down
you take the time
you take them down
it is not over till the dragon sings
these ides of march
how tempts the revvannat
since up and not across

you take the veil
you take a dime
you take the veil

a mass gallon sloth
a flys have walls of feet
some ish
and when you find the fringe
you will hit that spent you
ossary sprring by the day

the iconoclasic had it coming for years
they know the prisons that you have yet to fear
where umbs hide inside of eepingbags mouths

...(cannot keep up)

nahhh freeehnnn
crawling in and sleep again



dun dun dun dun

who brought me here
forsaken drprived and wrought with fear
who turned it off
the last thing i remember now
who brought me here

schooling

Another semester feeling like an L7 weiner. My mind traps me into what seems like triple takes. Trip to Orange County this weekend and I wish for a good time. I have now grown this sadness when I leave the inland empire

awesome pawsome

I know who I am and I can live with that just fine. My uncle is trying to drag me to hell but I do not want to go. Delusional? Jealous? Filled with anger for what you did not do for your parents? My heart aches because of this drama but I have life a life to live... and I am not going down. Do not worry Papa I will take care of Grandma... it is just a little hard right now

inland empire

The Inland Empire is not the place I belong... it is really hard to tell myself every gosh darn morning that I can pull through. One more day seems like a decade and my heart hurts.

Oh hun

Why is it so hard to do the simple parts of life...

And of course I am embarrassed

Brown Train coming my way
I picked up a few times
just because i could
none of you were watching and i just did not care
I love the Railroad and heck it killed one of the best friends i ever had
The tracks are everywhere but do i know where i want to go
I feel afraid and i remember the last time i cared to take a train anywhere
Sweet J, she rained upon my soul in so many ways
and here i am on this train
again and again


Shoot he emailed me...